Dan Snyder's Wet Dream

Apparently, Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder just loves a good racial slur.

 

And why not? I mean, if one can't use their billions to reinforce intolerance, insult, and loathing, and maybe even encourage a little self-hate, what's the use of getting up in the morning and checking to see if the magic of capitalism was somehow able to turn that dime into eleven pennies? It can't all be dollars and cents...gotta be some fun in the mix.

 

So, to Hell with political correctness...let's make Dan spew, and stereotypically fetishize the whole NFL.

 

AFC East

 

Yeah, there's an assload of Irish in the Boston area, so that seems an obvious path. But the Celtics are already in town, and the micks up there are pretty comfortable in their ethnicity. So, how do we piss off the chowdah heads?

 

Easy...Ladies and gentlemen, let's have a big cheer for your New England Yankees.

 

The Jets play in New Jersey, but they represent New York, and were the chosen team of the Park Avenue elite and Manhattan power circle. Lotta Jews. So, the New York Christ Killers, it is.

 

It's white in Buffalo. Very white. Caucasians and snow everywhere. And it's long past time they changed the stupidest nickname in professional sport...what the hell is a Bill, anyway?

 

We're changing their official franchise name to the Buffalo Cracker Killers Football Club, Inc., with a nod to their most famous player.

 

But popularly, they will be known as simply the Buffalo Crackers.

 

The Miami Boat Beaners round out the AFC East.

 

AFC Central

 

The Baltimore Murderers, The Cincinnati Blue Eyed Devils, and the Pittsburgh Zombies will now have names more reflective of of their city's identity.

 

Cleveland will follow town tradition and have a team named after their owner. Or, at least, their previous owner...looking forward to seeing the Dawg Pound cheering on their hometown Cleveland Modells.

 

AFC South

 

The Indianapolis Corn Monkeys will continue their fierce rivalry with the Tennessee Cousin Bumpers. The Jacksonville Mulletards and the Houston Palefaces round out the division.

 

The Denver Stoners are in the AFC West, along with the San Diego Jumping Beans. They'll do battle with the Kansas City Cow Tippers and the Oakland Mandingos.

 

NFC West

 

Boy, is Dan going to pissed when he finds out we're reassigning his name.

 

See, there aren't a lot of Native American Indians in the Washington, D.C. area. It just doesn't fit. It needs to be somewhere it can piss off people in a more geographically logical fashion. Arizona Redskins is much more appropriate.

 

And while we're switching names, sorry, Green Bay...the San Francisco Packers seems to be a much better...uh...fit.

 

They'll play in the same division with the St. Louis Krauts and the Seattle Chinkies.

 

The NFC South

 

Home to the heated rivalry between the N'awlins Swamp Kikes and the ATL Hoodrats. The Tampa Bay Fossils and the Carolina Gomers complete the division.

 

The NFC Central

 

Here we find the Detroit Sand Bastards and the Chicago Polacks. Taking inspiration from their union busting governor, the Green Bay Scabs take over Lambeau field. And in a move that can cheese off two states at once, the Vikings will now be known as the Minnesota Iowans.

 

Like there's a difference.

 

Which brings us to Dan's home division. Home of the Philadelphia Spics and New York Guidos.

 

As well Dan's team's most hated rivals, the newly rechristened Dallas Assassins. Who must also replace the obnoxious star with that famous pic of Lee Harvey's loopy grin.

 

Your team, Dan, is now called the D.C. Spearchuckers. 

 

Oh, and you are hereby ordered, by the league, to take the metro to every home game.

 

Have fun, Dannie Boy.  

 

 

 

Brent Sanders 2014



 

 

 

 

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