Jack Morris and the Cruel Beauty of Darwinism

The members of the 2014 Baseball Hall of Fame will be announced today. One member of the BBWAA has decided to use his God-like power for the advancement of rank stupidity, and refused to vote for ANY player from the PED era, regardless of whether or not an individual player juiced it up. The guy, who made a big-deal public announcement of his idiocy, is obviously a self-aggrandizing pubic weed who deserves nothing less than a swift pop in the giblets with a fungo bat. 

This year's ballot is well-stocked. I'd go with

1. Greg Maddux 
Best pitcher of his era, dominant in an era of ballooning offensive numbers, and one of the top five pitchers of all time. 

2. Craig Biggio
There is an unofficial category of Hall of Famer, the First Ballot Hall of Famer. Some voters believe first-ballot status is reserved for the very elite. What a crock. I mean, I understand some players need a little more reflection or consideration than others; that's why the process allows for multi-year eligibility. But to say a player deserves to go in the Hall, but needs to wait until later? 

Horseshit. You either belong, or you don't. 


Biggio should have gone in last year, his first year of eligibility. His offensive numbers are deserving, across the board, and he played over half of his career in the worst hitters park in the big leagues. Had the Astros won the 2005 Series, I think he would have gone in first ballot. 

The best catcher-turned-second baseman-turned-center fielder ever. 


3. Tom Glavine
I have a suspicion (and I hope to God I'm wrong) that many voters this year will hold back on Glavine due to their "First Ballot" prejudices. He's a no-brainer, but I think about other pitchers who had similar numbers, and had to hang around a while. Hell, Don Sutton had to wait five years. 

But those pitchers weren't as good as Glavine. He used the low, outside corner like Rodin used a chisel. 

4. Barry Bonds
Yeah, the last years of his career are marred, and, no, I don't consider him the "All-Time Home Run King". And in a Hall of Fame littered with assholes, he is probably the biggest and stinkiest of them. But he was a bona fide Hall of Famer BEFORE he started shooting up Durabolin, battery acid and gorilla semen. 

So let him in. But put his plaque next to Ty Cobb's. And stick 'em both next to the men's room. 

Hell, stick 'em IN the men's room. The line to splatter 'em down will be the longest in Cooperstown. 

5. Frank Thomas
Brilliant for seven years, a few very good seasons littering the mostly mostly ordinary remainder of his career. But those six years alone are worth it. Some of the best power/average numbers ever. 

A few guys who don't get my vote:

Jack Morris

Somebody's got to be the best not in. He wasn't as good as Blyleven, who's in, but shouldn't be. The Hall keeps using progressively lower standards based on subjective ranking, rather than excellence, the Veterans Committee will be polishing up a Tom Niedenfuer plaque in a few years. 

Roger Clemens

Before he discovered steroids (allegedly), he was Dwight Gooden. Amazing few first years in Boston, then a precipitous fall off. It wasn't like the 'roids extended his career (allegedly); they completely revived it (allegedly). Without PEDs (allegedly), he would be hanging around the velvet rope with Jack Morris. 

Mike Piazza

I wanted to vote for him, But I can't. And it has nothing to do with his back acne.

He was no great shakes defensively, and he played a position where defense was more important than offense. He was a hell of a player, but the bulk of his Hall of Fame "credentials" are based on career numbers at his position. A position, again, where he was average- to below-average, at best. 

Were he being considered as a purely offensive player, he was on the level of Jeff Bagwell or Larry Walker. Who also don't go in. I'm not giving him the nod because he put up solid outfielders numbers while creating a defensive hole at catcher. 

A player goes in to the Hall for excellence in what they're supposed to do. Don Drysdale didn't go in for his hitting, even though he was good enough to bat eighth or higher in the lineup. Ozzie Smith turned into a very good offensive shortstop, but he's in for his defense. Mike Piazza was a hell of a player...But this ain't the Strat-O-Matic Hall of Fame. 



Maddox, Glavine, and Thomas go in. Biggio takes it in the shorts one more time. 


There were 571 ballots cast. A player marked on 75% of the ballots cast is enshrined in the Hall. Biggio received 74.8%.


Maddonx recieved 97.2%, second-highest percentage in Hall of Fame history. Which means sixteen writers didn't vote for him.


Behold the majesty of pure and unadulterated dumbfuckness. 




Brent Sanders

Like us on Facebook and become enlightened. Or some such shit.