Summer / Spring 2017

The executives on Trump's Business Advisory Board had a conference call today, and, in the wake of President Trump's free-range jackoff of a press conference, all decided to jump ship.

 

Not a single member of his Evangelical Advisory Board bailed out, or even criticized the remarks.

 

To clarify, the kind of men who made Jesus break red to the point he sandal-stomped their ass and chased them out of the temple, took a stand against hatred, racism, and bigotry.

 

The sanctimonious fucks who say they love Jesus laid hands on that bastard and tacitl

y approved his endorsement of hatred, racism, and bigotry.

 

Let that shit sink in.

 

August 17, 2017

 

 

MSNBC will be replaying the entire Trump press conference at 6:30 EST or so.

 

If you've never seen unfiltered dumbfuckness taken out for a ho-stroll and run up a flag pole, now's your chance.

 

August 15, 2017

 

 

 

MSNBC will be replaying the entire Trump press conference at 6:30 EST or so.

 

If you've never seen unfiltered dumbfuckness taken out for a ho-stroll and run up a flag pole, now's your chance.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Donald Trump's hand-written reminders for the 2017 G20 Hamburg Summit:

 

1. Ask that Merkel woman if she can introduce me to Klaus from the Scorpions.

 

2. Greet the Australian guy with "G'Day, Mate". He loves that one. Laughs every time.

 

3. Macron is the French guy. Macri is from somewhere called Arjenteneeya. The names are similar and they both talk in some weird squirrel language, so be careful.

 

4. Ask the guy from Kenya if he knows Barack's dad.

 

5. Find out who does Justin Troodow's hair, and see if they have senior discounts.

 

6. Do NOT refer to any of the oriental guys as "Chinky" or "Hop Sing". They're funny about that, and they know Kung-Fu.

 

7. Catch up with President Nieto. See if he can hook me up with a new lawn guy that works off the books.

 

8. For some reason, Theresa May doesn't like being called "Queen Tessie" as much as I like being called "Emperor God Donny". So go easy on the formal stuff.

 

9. Ask President Zuma whatever happened to that Mandela guy.

 

10. Hook up with Erdogan, Xi Jinping, and Al-Jadaan for some killer "Dungeons and Dragons".

 

11. IMPORTANT. Remember, with Vlad: you never, ever go ass to mouth.

 

 

 

July 7, 2017

 

...it's like Veruca Salt took over Augustus Gloop's body...

 

June 30, 2017

 

A word to my establishment / moderate / centrist Democrat friends, regarding last night's election:

 

Maybe it's you.

 

A Republican party openly participating in a historically deceptive legislative activity, with a figurehead President who is the most unpopular Chief Executive in history, and Ossoff kept veering centrist and stood, in the end, for nothing. He lost by a wider margin than Hillary lost that district, to Trump, six months ago.

 

But keep bitching about Bernie and sexism and Russians and shit. Trot out some more limp, centrist candidates. Polish up a few more knives to take to the gunfight.

 

Let's see how many more winnable elections we can fuck up.

 

June 27, 2017

 

If the ACA is repealed, thousands of families will be forced, due to their inability to afford quality and sustained healthcare, to watch their children and loved ones die long and painful deaths.

 

Steve Scalise, the congressman shot on Wednesday, is fighting for his life. He voted repeatedly to appeal the ACA.

 

Now a bunch of teary-eyed congresspeople, many of whom also voted to repeal the ACA, are asking for "thoughts and prayers".

 

Alright.

 

I hope Steve Scalise recovers from his wounds, and lives the remainder of his life as less of a ratfuck son-of-a-bitch than he was when that bullet hit him.

 

June16, 2017

 

“Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable.”

- Cesar A. Cruz

So, I guess all the outrage about getting rid of "political correctness" only counts when making fun of the disabled, mocking the families of veterans who died serving their country, or chuckling while pushing violence against anyone who disagrees with one's political stance.

 

Old, straight, white men, it seems, are still a protected species.

 

To all "Offended" conservatives?

 

This is the world you wanted. Fuck you.

 

May 31, 2017, a response to the criticism of Kathy Griffin's photo-shoot with a replica of Donald Trump's bloody, disembodied head. 

 

The phrase you're looking for, a mere 117 days in, is "Monkey House Shit Fight".

 
May 16, 2017

You want to know why there is a President Trump? It's because Democrats can't handle the truth, and don't want to listen to what voters want.

 

You want to know why Republicans will keep getting re-elected? Because too many Democrats are too sad about poor Hillary and too concerned about finding something, anything, other than their own electoral incompetence, to blame.

 

So, a candidate who lost two Presidential campaigns, both of which she went into as a prohibitive favorite, gives an interview in which she keeps wink-wink, nudge-nudging her upcoming book (behavior not unlike that of a certain reality TV star/man-baby President), blames her last loss on external causes while soft-soaping her own complicity, and basically stunts the progress of the party she claims she loves by blowing her particular brand of self-serving smoke up its ass.

 

It wasn't positive or productive. It wasn't eloquent, funny, or endearing. It was sad, distractive, and transparent. Much like Trump's continuing "rallies", it played well to a base with a jarring lack of self-awareness and a shortage of the mainstream political ballast it assumes. Not exactly a unifying approach.

 

And her supporters have been trumpeting her performance, even down to pride in the way she "trolled" the current President, as if it's an accomplishment a twelve-year old with a cell-phone and a mean streak couldn't pull off.

In the interview, she said of her losing campaign "I absolutely take responsibility, but...".

 

There is, by definition, no "but" in "absolute responsibility".

 

It was a throwaway "confession", and illustrates perfectly why Hillary Clinton is a corrosive presence in political discourse, at this time, even to those who like, respect, or agree with her.

 

The race is over, and she lost. It doesn't matter that she won the popular vote. Any outside factors that may have played a part, no matter how illegal, unethical, or just plain galling, did what they were supposed to do, and Donald Trump now sits in the White House, with Mike Pence, ready to roll up his Bible and smack the gay out of anyone who ever owned a David Bowie record, and Paul Ryan, anxious to chalk up another notch on his granny-killing belt, just waiting for their turn.

 

But, if even slightly coaxed, she will spin that election shit until she somehow feels exonerated. Any discourse that might otherwise have value will become a discussion about her "but..".

 

Time for her to go. It's not about pettiness, or revenge, or anger. It's strictly a pragmatic political move to show her the door, call her a cab, and let her ass roll back into the boardrooms of the country to make speeches and earn some o' that green for the Clinton Foundation.

It's not fair. It's not right. And it's not something to be said without sadness. She would have made a fine President, and she's earned more respect than that. I'm proud to have voted for her.

 

But she is not slick enough (by her own admission) to be a stateswoman, too polarizing to be a catalytic force, and is, in the words of General Colin Powell, a "non-transformative" presence, at a transformative time.

 

Her time is over, and she still wants the spotlight and social, cultural, and political heft she feels (perhaps rightfully) has been stolen from her, and it is keeping her from carving out any positive emeritus niche.

 

There is a reason we don't trot out Michael Dukakis and Al Gore at every opportunity.

 

Time to pull the plugs on the Clinton machine before it drives the Democratic Party over the cliff, and turns the political highway into a conservative drag strip.

 

 

May 3, 2017

 

 

 

 

"So...the Jews, huh?

 

They hung out in the desert for forty years, no GPS, folks. No GPS. And they marched to Germany, where they all settled. And Poland and other places there.

 

And they lived there for years, in peace and harmony with the regular Germans, the Gentiles. They made Germany a huge economic power, because they're good with money. Great with money. I know "good with money". They were good with money.

 

Then Hitler came along, Bad Hitler, a very bad man, with his holocaust centers.

 

Bad Hitler, sounds familar, doesn't it? Like a certain someone that I beat in the largest electoral landslide in the history of our country.

 

But the Jews...

 

Bad Hitler. He tried to kill them all, Bad Hitler. Along with Gypsies and the cripples, who were marched to the holocaust centers, like this (mimics a man with a defect that makes his withered arm shake) and regular people. Healthy, white people.

 

He killed little, white German babies.

 

We, Americans, answered the call of the good, white Germans who didn't like what was going on. We came over, after kicking some Jap ass on the other side of the world, and took care of business, folks. We took care of business.

 

We killed Hitler, shot him in the head, which is what guys like him deserve. Right in the head. We did it on Armistice Day in 1945.

 

Today, we face a similar threat from Muslims, who want to kill Jews and cripples and good, white people. We can't let them kill the jews and cripples, folks. We can't.

 

So today, President Donald J. Trump is proposing that Germany, to stay free and safe, consider building a giant wall..."

 

May 23, 2017

 

Is there a 12-step program for delusional Hillary Clinton supporters who can't quite grasp the reality that she and the DNC botched an easy layup and are more to blame for the current shit-state of American governance than Bernie Sanders or Jill Stein or any other dissenting Democrat or independent?

 

These sad folks need to go sit in a little snowflake circle to bitch, moan and make excuses while the rest of us clean up their mess.

 

Just get 'em the hell out of the way before they fuck up anther election cycle.

 

 

April 7, 2017

 

 

We've reached the stage where every press conference Sean Spicer gives is pretty much him repeatedly grabbing his junk and screaming "DEEEEZ NUTS! BOFA DEEZ NUTS" at the top of his squeaky, little possum voice.

 
 
March 20, 2017

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