The Easter Story, as told in the New International Redneck Bible, with footnotes and annotation
1. Come Sunday (1), up with the chickens, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary got up early to go check out the sepulchre (2).
2. And, check this out, there was an earthquake, that come about when an angel came down from heaven, and went and rolled the stone from the door, and kicked back for a spell.
3. And he was all shiny and fiery and shit, and his clothes was white as snow (3).
4. And the guards were so afraid that they said “Fuck that!”, and flopped down and played possum.
5. And the angel said to the women, “Ya'll calm down...I know you're looking for Jesus, who was kilt the other day.
6. Well, he ain't here...he rose up, just like he said was goin' to.
7. Now...ya'll need to go and tell his disciples (4): 'Ya'll ain't gonna believe this shit...Jesus is up and runnin' around, and he's goin' to Galilee. Ya'll go catch up with him'. Ya'll got that?”
8. So the gals hightailed it out of there, wigged out but kind of happy, and went off to find the disciples.
9. And they ran snack-dab, plumb into Jesus. And Jesus said “what's up, ya'll”, and they grabbed him around the ankles and commenced to worship.
10. Then Jesus said, “Alright, don't be all skittish. Go and tell my brothers to get their asses to Galilee, and I'll see 'em there.”
11. So, when they left, some of the guards got up and ran into the city (5) and told the head honchos what was going down.
12. And they talked to some of the local bigwigs and high muckety-mucks, and came up with a plan...they gave the guards an assload of cash...
13. ...and told 'em, “Ya'll tell everyone that the disciples came by while ya'll was catchin' a nap, and they absconded with the body...
14. ...and if the Governor hears about this mess, we'll cover your ass.”
15. So they took the money, and did they was told. And a lot of Jesus's people still believe that shit.
16. Meanwhile, the eleven disciples headed to Galilee, to the mountain where Big J first recruited 'em.
17. And when they saw him,they flipped the hell out. Some worshiped, others thought “This sounds like bullshit to me”.
18. Then Jesus spoke up and said “Dig...I am now the big boss man, both here and up in Heaven”
19. “Go on, now, and tell everybody, even the Gentiles and the Philistines and the Romans, and baptize the hell out of 'em” (6)
20. “And tell 'em all the good stuff I told you about, like love and grace and charity and shit, and I got your back, even until the end of the world.” (7)
(1) In them days, they went to church on Saturday, a custom that remained in place until the Good Lord gave us SEC football.
(2) Which was what they called a cave what had dead bodies thrown in 'em
(3) Picture Elvis in his Vegas jumpsuit, but without all the sparklies on the it.
(4) That would be the remaining eleven: Simon, who he renamed Pete, Andy, Johnny and his little brother Jimbo, Philip, who he renamed Bubba, Bart, Tommy, Matt, Jimmy the younger, who was called Peanut to keep from confusing him with Jimbo, Thad, Simon the Zealot, who everybody called "Wild Man".
(5) It is not clear whether these were the same chicken-shit guards who acted like they were dead, or some new guys showed up.
(6) And he meant dunkin', not sprinklin'. He said "baptize", not “flick some wet on 'em.”
(7) Some translations say “end of the world”. Some say “'until the Falcons win the
SuperBowl”. Same thing.