1. Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be Tempted by the Donald
2. And when he had fasted forty days and forty nights, he was hungered.
3 And when the tempter, his hair of spun brass and his skin glowing like a burning orange, came to the lord, he said “Slippery Jesus, if thou be the
Son of God...people sayeth that. I don't know. That's what some telleth me...but if thou art, turn these rocks into bread. Maybe a Matzo, or whatever my Jews liketh
4 But the Lord answered and said “It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.”
5 Then the devil taketh him up into the holy city, and setteth him on the roof of Trump Tower
6 And saith unto him “If thou, Slipperry Jesus, be the Son of God, jump off my roof, the roof of my building, a beautiful building, the most beautiful building in the holy city, and the highest, not the Empire State Building, but my building, the tallest and most beautiful. For it is written, He shall give his angels charge concerning thee: and in their hands they shall bear thee up, so he falleth not and bust his ass. So let's see these angels, Slippery Jesus. Let's see these angels”
7 Jesus said unto him “It is written again, Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God.“
8 Again, the devil taketh him up into an exceeding high mountain, and sheweth him all the kingdoms of the world, and New Jersey, and the glory of them;
9 And saith unto him "All this is yours, Slippery Jesus. All of it. Just fall to your knees and do what you gotta do. You know who the real lord is, Slippery Jesus. You know."
10 Then Jesus smiled, and softly said:
11 “Go fuck thyself...
12 And yea, verily, go forth unto the corners of the Earth and the seas beyond, and fuck thyself there...
13: And draw thy sword, and take up thine scythe, and fuck thyself with them...
14 And the ass thou hast rode in on? Fuck thine ass, as well as thyself”
15 And the tempter stood mute, until he turned and crawled away like a beaten cur, whispering under his breath “I like my messiahs UN-crucified, you know what I mean? Winners, not losers”
16 And the Lord Jesus, who loved all of his father's creatures, smiled, and shook his head, and said
17 “What a foreskin thou art”