Warning Signs - How Her Record Collection Can Predict Your Immediate Future

Look...you're not going to get the full picture by parsing her profile on E-Fornicate, or even a quick afternoon meet-up at Java Pimps. Your buddy's wife, the one who set the two of you up? All she really knows is that Tracy or Jennifer or Heather works in her department, is about a year out of a long-term relationship, and wouldn't it just be perfect if the two of you got together? She seems so nice.

 

Well...hell..they all seem nice. I'm sure Squeaky Fromme was a delightful conversationalist, and could keep you sweetly entranced, before stabbing you in the neck with a salad fork. Elizabeth Bathory, I'm betting, was an enchanting host, as long as one overlooked her quirky little mentoring techniques. Bloody Mary? She was a hoot...until you made an off-handed Pope joke, and found yourself dipped in oil, tied to a stake, and flame-broiled to a crispy finish.

 

At best, you don't want to spend your loot on a date you know you aren't going to enjoy. At worst, you don't want to end up with a full-bore Hell queen who plans on ending the evening by wearing your skin like a scuba suit and chewing on your spleen.

 

Lucky for you, there is a time-tested method for getting to the bottom of things, quickly, and without asking her to take a personality profile assessment, which cost an assload of money, and are easy to beat, anyway. Simply check out the music collection. All the information you need is there.

 

Make the date, make plans to pick her up at seven. Get there at 6:57, just enough so it doesn't seem too early, but early enough that she'll still be putting finishing touches on her kabucki mating face.

 

Slink over to the music collection. Check out the female artists. Take it in. These are the artists she identifies with, the ones she models her attitudes after. See which artist appears the most in her personal library, and  refer to this handy guide. Then you can accurately prepare yourself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually for the next few hours.

 

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Amy Winehouse-There is a good chance you will wake up in the morning, alone, pants-less, and in a dumpster, with a rose behind your ear and a confused smile on your face.

 

Adele-Wondering why she's so reserved at dinner? Well, she just decided what dress she's going to wear when the two of you get married, made a "honey do" list for you to complete when you get your dream home in the suburbs (you know, the one with the deck and the two-car garage), chosen names for your three children (two boys and one girl), and is now trying to decide what song she'll boo-hoo along with at your funeral.

 

Celine Dion-Same as Adele, except she already knows the funeral song.

 

Sarah McClachlan-You may have George Clooney's looks, Albert Einstein's brain, and Bill Gate's wallet...you'll still never measure up to her Papillon, Mr. Pistachio Fluffikins.

 

Taylor Swift-Nice girl, seems normal. What's going on behind that sweet smile? "He is perfect, I never want this night to end, I have found my soulma...OMIGOD DID HE JUST LOOK AT THAT OTHER GIRL WHILE I WAS THINKING ABOUT HIM HE DID THAT GODAWFUL PIG I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HOPE HE DIES I REALLY REALLY DO!!"

 

Madonna-Hope you like dancing with a bottle-blonde cougar in a leather bustier, a glow-stick crucifix, and a Batgirl mask, high stepping in her stiletto heels while continuously and loudly suggesting to onlookers that they should "Take a pitcha, it'll fuckin' last longa"

 

Bjork-You won't understand a word she says, but you will be endlessly amused.

 

Hole-You won't understand a word she says, but you will be endlessly dodging vomit.

 

Chrissy Hynde-"Dinner and bowling? Sounds great. Let's go."

 

Jefferson Airplane-Sweet girl, bit of a freak, might have a good time if you can stomach the patchouli.

 

Lady GaGa-Will spend the entire evening dressed in a burlap sack with purple boa, staring at you through bright green safety goggles, trying to convince you that repressed homosexual urges are perfectly natural, and even a little hot.

 

Lita Ford-If you can look past the way she's going to enter the restaurant by throwing up a two-fisted "devil's horns" salute and shrieking "HELLOOO, APPLEBEES...are you ready to RAWK", you might actually have a good time.

 

Indigo Girls-It's going to be a short and awkward night.


No Doubt-Unless you have some weird squirrel / helium fetish, you might want to sneak out of the bathroom window in whatever stinky vegan cafeteria she convinces you to "check out".


Sinead O'Conner-"How can you enjoy a date when the world is in such piss-miserable shape?"

 

Pink-She's really goddamn annoying, but you can't help but be impressed with the way she cold-cocked the bouncer.

 

Alanis Morisette-A movie, back row? You're golden.

 

Heart-The night will end innocently, with her strumming her acoustic guitar and composing a song about how your eyes are as dark as the midnight sky. Also, as a practical matter, consider a buffet.

 

Stevie Nicks-Don't ask questions. Just run away. Now.

 

Joan Jett-The perfect date. The two of you are going to end up checking out other women over beer and wings at Hooters. Enjoy.

 

 

 

 

Brent Sanders

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